This night I sleep in the Temple of Vas. The old priest of Vas is gone. The younger ones seem less priestly than the ones of my youth. I do not know if it is the priests that have changed or if is me.
I am not the only Narn who wonders about our useless gods. The world is not the world of my youth. We have worked wonders since the War shoring up our people and uniting under one government again. These are my goals. I have made them the goals of my world and my people. To be a free and united people living in peace.
In my youth I would never imagined this life for myself. I would have laughed in my own face if I could go back and warn that young pouchling what fate would hold for his store.
My generation is to blame for the loss of religion in our lives. We were the ones that looked at the Darkness and questioned our gentle gods. Found Vas wanting in his protection. Found Vas too absorbed in his own contemplation of the universe to care for us.
But people seem to always need gods. We need something bigger than ourselves. To some that bigger one is the Great Prophets.
Against all reason G’Lan and I are becoming gods. Like shadows we are being projected larger than life. Over the years I have heard of my exploits. The reports of me glowing with power. My war record is astounding for how many Agents of Darkness I slaughtered singlehanded. My memory keeps much better track of my limitations than my history. Of that I am certain.
I see G’Lan fight with himself over this adulation. So he hides his writings yet is talking to followers about the very same things. As if spoken words are not thoughts put into motion.
He wants to be able to teach our people of Honor and Self-Reliance. Of Justice and Retribution. In his message we will all be able to meet the next challenge if we aim for these goals. If we are honorable and self-reliant there is nothing that will stop us. That no matter what horror plagues us, we will always find justice. If nothing else we will be avenged.
I feel in my very core that there is a fundamental flaw in his arguments. That retribution and honor and self-reliance will only get you so far in this universe. Eventually these very worthy attributes will fail my Narn. We will need more than the feeble reed of self-reliance which only helps ourselves. We will need more than the empty promise of retribution which never provides true justice. We will need more than the onus of honor that drives us to work against our very natures.
And I feel like I am the cusp of knowing … and the words are not there. They hide from me at the fringes of my understanding. I lay here looking out at the night wanting to find the answers in the sky.
My mind wanders to my mother instead. Is that so strange tonight she comes to me? In my thoughts if not my dreams. Part of me misses the dreams that used to plague me. What secrets did my mother take to her grave? Why did that creature choose my mother as its vessel? The mind does not take the path that you want. All too often it flits away and I am left with the gossamer of almost understanding.
It drives me to distraction.