I read Pa’Kalon’s letter with tears on my cheeks. Am I such a monster?
The answer is… I might be.
I used my knowledge of Pa’Kalon against her wishes. I forced her on this path and made her decide it was her own.
I am ashamed of how easy it was. How gently I pushed. Even as my better nature recoiled from my manipulation of her jealousy. It did not stop me from using it to get her to Vas’T’Ran. Knowing she would be exactly who she is.
In a different reality she is the Leader of the Kha’Ri. Of this I have no doubt. In that reality Nar’Shal is a brighter place.
Or am I deluding myself? Does power make you this creature? Is the Darkness ultimately the ability to do a thing just because you want it done? No high purpose. Just the ability to make others do what you want for your own desires.
I can lie to myself, but I cannot lie to Pa’Kalon. At least not for long to her face.
With her away from me I can be who I need to be. One cannot just initiate changes and assume they will become the new normal. One must convince the world that it was always normal.
In this there was the advantage of the overall change. The Darkness wrought such change in us so quickly. We had to adapt. For a people who had not required any change for a thousand years it was painful. Not just for the loss of life. For the loss of us.
We can never go back to before the War. So I forced an entire world down a new path with sheer force of personality. What hubris! I changed the lives of countless Narn. First through the War and then through the peace. Who do I think I am? What makes me the arbiter of the correct path for my people?
Is it as simple as being the first one to stand up? The first to find my voice?
I have talked of my Purpose as if it is something you find along the road.
My mother once told me of the farmer who found a ring in a stream when he stopped for water. He put it on his finger and enjoyed the gleam of it. The next morning he found himself attended by grand Narn as a WarLeader. He had found a ring and they made him Warleader because of it. He died horribly of course in battle. He was not a WarLeader. It was a cautionary tale of being careful with unexpected gifts from the universe.
Perhaps one’s Purpose is like finding that ring. It is found by you, but you must grow into the Purpose. If he had found the ring and been trained as a WarLeader, would it have been different than being born to the role?
When history looks back upon my actions will I be a hero or a villain?