Category: book of g’quan

At least that is what I remember.  Since my mother and Pa’Koth were there I believed it needed to be recorded.

The first real thing I saw was G’Lan sleeping beside me.  He looked exhausted, drawn… old.  Rumpled like a leaf from last year.  He is… I don’t even know how old.  At that moment he was almost glowing.  No doubt because, with my dark deadened eyes, the whole room was glowing.  Glowing like the sky above us.  The universe in miniature was above our heads.  I looked around the room. From weeks of entrapment I found myself not moving.  Probably just as well.  Knowing my state, I probably wouldn’t be able to walk to the door.  I lifted a tentative hand to the ceiling as if I could reach the ceiling.  As if I could reach the sky.

“Holy One.” said a voice beside me.  I looked over to see a young Dur’Nara.  They looked at me in astonishment.  

“Greetings.  How long have I been here?”

Their response was to touch my head and my chest.  “You have returned to us.”

“I don’t know that I was that far away.”

“The mountain runs deep.  The heart of the mountain called to me.  I found you, Holy G’Quan.”

“Just G’Quan will do.”

“What may I do for thee?”

“Water and information would be fine.”  I put all my effort into sitting.  It was exhausting but I would not be weak.  I could not be weak.

“You have been gone for over a month, you fool.  The impetuosity of youth.” I heard in a growl.  “Did no  one ever teach you that the first thing is to not get caught?”

I smiled despite myself, “No, the old fool that taught me was too full of himself to teach that lesson.”

“He probably believed that you were bright enough to figure that out yourself.”

“Then who is the bigger fool?  The student for being caught, or the teacher who overestimated his intelligence?”

“Young G’Quan…” I was enveloped in his arms.  We held each other.   We were both crying.

I am home.

At least that is what I remember.  Since my mother and Pa’Koth were there I believed it needed to be recorded.

The first real thing I saw was G’Lan sleeping beside me.  He looked exhausted, drawn… old.  Rumpled like a leaf from last year.  He is… I don’t even know how old.  At that moment he was almost glowing.  No doubt because, with my dark deadened eyes, the whole room was glowing.  Glowing like the sky above us.  The universe in miniature was above our heads.  I looked around the room. From weeks of entrapment I found myself not moving.  Probably just as well.  Knowing my state, I probably wouldn’t be able to walk to the door.  I lifted a tentative hand to the ceiling as if I could reach the ceiling.  As if I could reach the sky.

“Holy One.” said a voice beside me.  I looked over to see a young Dur’Nara.  They looked at me in astonishment.  

“Greetings.  How long have I been here?”

Their response was to touch my head and my chest.  “You have returned to us.”

“I don’t know that I was that far away.”

“The mountain runs deep.  The heart of the mountain called to me.  I found you, Holy G’Quan.”

“Just G’Quan will do.”

“What may I do for thee?”

“Water and information would be fine.”  I put all my effort into sitting.  It was exhausting but I would not be weak.  I could not be weak.

“You have been gone for over a month, you fool.  The impetuosity of youth.” I heard in a growl.  “Did no  one ever teach you that the first thing is to not get caught?”

I smiled despite myself, “No, the old fool that taught me was too full of himself to teach that lesson.”

“He probably believed that you were bright enough to figure that out yourself.”

“Then who is the bigger fool?  The student for being caught, or the teacher who overestimated his intelligence?”

“Young G’Quan…” I was enveloped in his arms.  We held each other.   We were both crying.

I am home.


Thirteen meals I have eaten.  There is nothing left of me now.  Now I sink into the ground.  I am the One that was.  Another will come.  I can almost see him.  Maybe he will be able to tell G’Lan what befell me.  I hope they work well together and

Oh! I feel like I will become part of the stone.  The silence is absolute.  The darkness so full that I almost feel as if it has become lighter.  My eyes so attuned that I can now see the light in the darkness.

I am sinking into the light.   So this  this is what death is like?  Everything is at peace now.  Everything done.  

I am lying to myself.  There will be war again  The Darkness will come again.  The deed is not done.  I want to fight off the languor and claw my way back from the stone.  I don’t have the strength.

The Narn have to take their place in the Light once more.  They must do what needs to be done.  My child.  My child will be in the Nexus.  As I was a child of peace that fought a war.  My child will be a child of war that brings peace.  

I felt the tears on my face.  No strength to remove them as they pooled in my vents and trailed into the abyss.  Has Sava come to take her servant to her after all?  

I was so sure the gods were a lie we told ourselves.  Schrock! I would hate to discover my error at this point.

And I fell.  

Sturdy arms held me and the light was so bright.  “G’Quan” the voices say, reverently.  As if I were to be worshipped.  As if I had the answers.  

“I am only a Narn.” I murmur, dry lips, cracking.  My throat burns.

Voices mix.  Guttural utterances that I cannot follow.

“Pa’Koth?” I saw him.  But he has nothing to say.  He just looks at me with a knowing smile.  Saving me again, old friend?  I wanted to tell him my thanks.  Yet he disappears as those who carry me fly on with sure feet in the cavern.  I will tell him later, I assure myself.  

Water is pressed to my lips and I feel the trickle hit my dry tongue. It is only after more liquid is poured on my face that my throat feels any relief.  

I hear my mother singing.  Her voice is so sweet.  I fall into a dreamless sleep.


Thirteen meals I have eaten.  There is nothing left of me now.  Now I sink into the ground.  I am the One that was.  Another will come.  I can almost see him.  Maybe he will be able to tell G’Lan what befell me.  I hope they work well together and

Oh! I feel like I will become part of the stone.  The silence is absolute.  The darkness so full that I almost feel as if it has become lighter.  My eyes so attuned that I can now see the light in the darkness.

I am sinking into the light.   So this  this is what death is like?  Everything is at peace now.  Everything done.  

I am lying to myself.  There will be war again  The Darkness will come again.  The deed is not done.  I want to fight off the languor and claw my way back from the stone.  I don’t have the strength.

The Narn have to take their place in the Light once more.  They must do what needs to be done.  My child.  My child will be in the Nexus.  As I was a child of peace that fought a war.  My child will be a child of war that brings peace.  

I felt the tears on my face.  No strength to remove them as they pooled in my vents and trailed into the abyss.  Has Sava come to take her servant to her after all?  

I was so sure the gods were a lie we told ourselves.  Schrock! I would hate to discover my error at this point.

And I fell.  

Sturdy arms held me and the light was so bright.  “G’Quan” the voices say, reverently.  As if I were to be worshipped.  As if I had the answers.  

“I am only a Narn.” I murmur, dry lips, cracking.  My throat burns.

Voices mix.  Guttural utterances that I cannot follow.

“Pa’Koth?” I saw him.  But he has nothing to say.  He just looks at me with a knowing smile.  Saving me again, old friend?  I wanted to tell him my thanks.  Yet he disappears as those who carry me fly on with sure feet in the cavern.  I will tell him later, I assure myself.  

Water is pressed to my lips and I feel the trickle hit my dry tongue. It is only after more liquid is poured on my face that my throat feels any relief.  

I hear my mother singing.  Her voice is so sweet.  I fall into a dreamless sleep.

I have no idea how long I have been here.  I have marked when I have been fed – eight times.  I know that I have not been fed every day.  I feel my strength ebbing.  This is what they want of course.  They want me to be weak.  

I have sat in this room and laid in this room and walked around one way and the other.  Today I spent laying on the floor looking up into the darkness.  My hands have searched every crevice for a crack, a fault in the rock.  For dirt that may lead to an escape.  My hands are bloody from my attempts.  I cannot see my fingers, but I can taste the blood when I eat.  

Over the years I have faced the option of death many times.  I lived through the War Against the Darkness.  I survived the various warleaders and assassins.  I survived battles that I should not have won.  I escaped fate many times.  It occurs to me that perhaps this time I will not.  No one who loves me knows where I am.  I am deep in the ground far from the light.  Any who would come to find me would have to be able to come through the barrier which still kills everything but me.  Survive the creatures that live in this place.  And find me.  It seems impossible.

Heroes are supposed to die in glorious battle or live happily ever after.  So, I must not be a hero.  Politicians are supposed to be assassinated or live a luxurious life and die in their sleep.  I could consider this a form of assassination.  Not one to which I am accustomed.  I still might die in my sleep, but I wish I had thought ahead to have that luxurious life.

There is a certain irony that G’Quan. The one who fought Darkness.  Who made it the mission of his life.  Would die in an alcove so deep in the ground that no light could find him.

I think of all of the things I missed in my life.  Decisions made one way when another option could have turned my life differently.  I could have fathered children.  I could have sailed the sea.  I could have done so much.  Yes I gave my life to Nar’Shal.  I wish I had given part of my time to myself.  

As I lay on the floor I think these sad thoughts.  Now I realize that for every one of things I missed I had something I had experienced.  How many people can say that they have left an everlasting impression on their society?

My name will last one thousand years.  Others will come.  They will save Nar’Shal.  Perhaps the entire universe.  The purpose lives on even if one dies.  In my vanity I wanted to be important.  I thought I would survive.  That the universe would save me.  Now I realize that every moment was my gift.  My reward.

“Where are you, mother?” I croak.  My throat is rough and dry. “Trusted friend?  Where is your counsel now?  I followed your advice into folly.  At least you can give me a dream.  A moment of peace.”  I waste my energy and bodily fluids on useless tears. I am truly alone.

“I am sorry, G’Lan.  You have always wanted to see me be wrong.  Yet you have missed your chance.  I will attempt to feel proper disappointment in your stead.”

For the first time I feel the oppressive weight of the rock around me.  Feel the room close around me. A 4x6x6 box in which I was entombed.  The song in my head is a dirge.  

I am going to die.

I have no idea how long I have been here.  I have marked when I have been fed – eight times.  I know that I have not been fed every day.  I feel my strength ebbing.  This is what they want of course.  They want me to be weak.  

I have sat in this room and laid in this room and walked around one way and the other.  Today I spent laying on the floor looking up into the darkness.  My hands have searched every crevice for a crack, a fault in the rock.  For dirt that may lead to an escape.  My hands are bloody from my attempts.  I cannot see my fingers, but I can taste the blood when I eat.  

Over the years I have faced the option of death many times.  I lived through the War Against the Darkness.  I survived the various warleaders and assassins.  I survived battles that I should not have won.  I escaped fate many times.  It occurs to me that perhaps this time I will not.  No one who loves me knows where I am.  I am deep in the ground far from the light.  Any who would come to find me would have to be able to come through the barrier which still kills everything but me.  Survive the creatures that live in this place.  And find me.  It seems impossible.

Heroes are supposed to die in glorious battle or live happily ever after.  So, I must not be a hero.  Politicians are supposed to be assassinated or live a luxurious life and die in their sleep.  I could consider this a form of assassination.  Not one to which I am accustomed.  I still might die in my sleep, but I wish I had thought ahead to have that luxurious life.

There is a certain irony that G’Quan. The one who fought Darkness.  Who made it the mission of his life.  Would die in an alcove so deep in the ground that no light could find him.

I think of all of the things I missed in my life.  Decisions made one way when another option could have turned my life differently.  I could have fathered children.  I could have sailed the sea.  I could have done so much.  Yes I gave my life to Nar’Shal.  I wish I had given part of my time to myself.  

As I lay on the floor I think these sad thoughts.  Now I realize that for every one of things I missed I had something I had experienced.  How many people can say that they have left an everlasting impression on their society?

My name will last one thousand years.  Others will come.  They will save Nar’Shal.  Perhaps the entire universe.  The purpose lives on even if one dies.  In my vanity I wanted to be important.  I thought I would survive.  That the universe would save me.  Now I realize that every moment was my gift.  My reward.

“Where are you, mother?” I croak.  My throat is rough and dry. “Trusted friend?  Where is your counsel now?  I followed your advice into folly.  At least you can give me a dream.  A moment of peace.”  I waste my energy and bodily fluids on useless tears. I am truly alone.

“I am sorry, G’Lan.  You have always wanted to see me be wrong.  Yet you have missed your chance.  I will attempt to feel proper disappointment in your stead.”

For the first time I feel the oppressive weight of the rock around me.  Feel the room close around me. A 4x6x6 box in which I was entombed.  The song in my head is a dirge.  

I am going to die.


What does one do when they are stuck in the dark, alone in the hands of the enemy?

I can’t write.  I can’t see.  It will look like gibberish.  To write this small missive is taking all of my abilities and I still believe it will be almost impossible to read.  Maybe someone will find this and learn what happened to me.  It is the only reason I am continuing it at this point.  Of course, it may only prove to them I went insane.  These things cannot be avoided.

I have occupied myself other ways.  I have searched the walls for flaws.  I have sung happy songs to keep up my courage.  Told the walls heroic tales from my youth.  I especially enjoyed regaling the walls with the battles from the War Against the Darkness.

It is all to keep up my waning spirits.  I am hungry and tired.  My fingers are raw from searching.  My eyes strained from trying to see in the absolute darkness.  

This is my private torture chamber.  Utterly alone in the dark.  Left to rot far from all I call my own.  I will become a legend.  A warning.  A tale told to pouchlings as they lay in their beds.  If my enemies and their friends have their way my story will at best be whispered among my people.  Or my people will cease to be.

 The Darkness would enjoy that.  The grubby Narn being destroyed from within.  

Enemies come in many forms, but the enemy with the face of a friend is the most insidious and evokes betrayal beyond any other foe.  I have spent time listening to the Narn collaborator in my mind.  If I meet him outside of this cave he will shortly be missing his throat and I will be preparing Phroomis.  

I will not show the enemy weakness.  I will sing and tell stories and laugh in their faces until my tongue rots from my mouth.  I will not show them my sadness, my horror.  I won’t let it touch my face.  I won’t let it into my heart.  If I die in this place, I die a Narn.


What does one do when they are stuck in the dark, alone in the hands of the enemy?

I can’t write.  I can’t see.  It will look like gibberish.  To write this small missive is taking all of my abilities and I still believe it will be almost impossible to read.  Maybe someone will find this and learn what happened to me.  It is the only reason I am continuing it at this point.  Of course, it may only prove to them I went insane.  These things cannot be avoided.

I have occupied myself other ways.  I have searched the walls for flaws.  I have sung happy songs to keep up my courage.  Told the walls heroic tales from my youth.  I especially enjoyed regaling the walls with the battles from the War Against the Darkness.

It is all to keep up my waning spirits.  I am hungry and tired.  My fingers are raw from searching.  My eyes strained from trying to see in the absolute darkness.  

This is my private torture chamber.  Utterly alone in the dark.  Left to rot far from all I call my own.  I will become a legend.  A warning.  A tale told to pouchlings as they lay in their beds.  If my enemies and their friends have their way my story will at best be whispered among my people.  Or my people will cease to be.

 The Darkness would enjoy that.  The grubby Narn being destroyed from within.  

Enemies come in many forms, but the enemy with the face of a friend is the most insidious and evokes betrayal beyond any other foe.  I have spent time listening to the Narn collaborator in my mind.  If I meet him outside of this cave he will shortly be missing his throat and I will be preparing Phroomis.  

I will not show the enemy weakness.  I will sing and tell stories and laugh in their faces until my tongue rots from my mouth.  I will not show them my sadness, my horror.  I won’t let it touch my face.  I won’t let it into my heart.  If I die in this place, I die a Narn.


It appears that I will not starve to death today.  I heard voices outside the prison.   Harsh, sibilant then frightening.  I heard in the middle of the nonsense my name.  Clearly, repeatedly.  My name. They knew me.  

I was blinded by a light shining in my face.  I shielded my eyes, seeing nothing but blue afterglow. A black silhouette finally was visible behind the light.  The outline of a Narn.  Undeniably a Narn.  “Hello, G’Quan.” he smirked.  “Finally where you belong.  Our friends are quite interested in making your acquaintance.”.

I believe I recognized the voice.  Someone I knew.  Someone who would recognize me even now…  Could a member of the Kha’Ri be here?  Would one of them betray me to the Darkness?

“Nothing to say?  No eloquent speeches?  They will cut you into pieces, you know, to see what you are made of.  They think you are with the Enemy, but we know you are a useless blowhard.”

He left then.  Soon after some food and water was brought.  I had to make a decision.  To eat and worry of poison or die with food in my reach.  Obviously I chose to eat.  If they wanted to kill me, they wouldn’t need to bother with poison.  Just leave me a few more days…  It was strange in flavor.  I have no idea what it was.  It was edible and I haven’t died.  

I don’t think I want to meet his friends.  I am certain that it will go poorly for me.  Yet if I saw them myself…  would that mean I would go to their home?  Their world?

Would death and torture (probably in the opposite order) be a price worth paying for that experience?

Of course not.  What is the point of seeing the home of the Darkness if I cannot tell my fellow Narn and warn them?

The empty containers melted away leaving nothing.  Nothing to hold more liquid.  Nothing to count my days with.  Nothing to retrieve.  Nothing I could use to escape.  So very efficient.  It was enough to weep.  Though I refuse to show such weakness in front of these.

They are not the ones who battled me before.  They are not so black that they leave a hole in the light.  They are not the Soldiers of Darkness that we fought on the field.  They cannot enter my mind.  They cannot fight me except as one creature against another.  They may have weapons, but I have will and shall not give up.  

I must destroy this place.  I don’t know how it will come to pass at this moment.  I am alone in a way that I have never been alone before.  It is one of the most empty of feelings.  Fear looms large, gibbering in my mind.  Yet I keep my countenance clear.  I will plan.  I will escape.  

I will destroy this place.  I will destroy the Darkness.

But how?  That remains to be seen.


It appears that I will not starve to death today.  I heard voices outside the prison.   Harsh, sibilant then frightening.  I heard in the middle of the nonsense my name.  Clearly, repeatedly.  My name. They knew me.  

I was blinded by a light shining in my face.  I shielded my eyes, seeing nothing but blue afterglow. A black silhouette finally was visible behind the light.  The outline of a Narn.  Undeniably a Narn.  “Hello, G’Quan.” he smirked.  “Finally where you belong.  Our friends are quite interested in making your acquaintance.”.

I believe I recognized the voice.  Someone I knew.  Someone who would recognize me even now…  Could a member of the Kha’Ri be here?  Would one of them betray me to the Darkness?

“Nothing to say?  No eloquent speeches?  They will cut you into pieces, you know, to see what you are made of.  They think you are with the Enemy, but we know you are a useless blowhard.”

He left then.  Soon after some food and water was brought.  I had to make a decision.  To eat and worry of poison or die with food in my reach.  Obviously I chose to eat.  If they wanted to kill me, they wouldn’t need to bother with poison.  Just leave me a few more days…  It was strange in flavor.  I have no idea what it was.  It was edible and I haven’t died.  

I don’t think I want to meet his friends.  I am certain that it will go poorly for me.  Yet if I saw them myself…  would that mean I would go to their home?  Their world?

Would death and torture (probably in the opposite order) be a price worth paying for that experience?

Of course not.  What is the point of seeing the home of the Darkness if I cannot tell my fellow Narn and warn them?

The empty containers melted away leaving nothing.  Nothing to hold more liquid.  Nothing to count my days with.  Nothing to retrieve.  Nothing I could use to escape.  So very efficient.  It was enough to weep.  Though I refuse to show such weakness in front of these.

They are not the ones who battled me before.  They are not so black that they leave a hole in the light.  They are not the Soldiers of Darkness that we fought on the field.  They cannot enter my mind.  They cannot fight me except as one creature against another.  They may have weapons, but I have will and shall not give up.  

I must destroy this place.  I don’t know how it will come to pass at this moment.  I am alone in a way that I have never been alone before.  It is one of the most empty of feelings.  Fear looms large, gibbering in my mind.  Yet I keep my countenance clear.  I will plan.  I will escape.  

I will destroy this place.  I will destroy the Darkness.

But how?  That remains to be seen.